There’s nothing wrong with eating leftover pizza for breakfast, unless you’re an elitist snob like Barack Obama

I’d like to think I’m a pretty average fellow.  I put in a hard day’s work, spend time with the kids, and at the end of the night unwind with a few brewskies in front of the tube.  Just average, everyday kind of stuff.  I don’t think anyone could object to the way I live my life — well, except for maybe someone like that elitist snob Barack Obama.

I don’t need anything too fancy to be happy. While folks like that highfalutin, blowhard Barack Obama are having their hors d’oeurves and eating foie gras, garlic aioli, and olive tapenade at one of their big fancy dinner soirees, I’m cutting up some hotdogs and mixing it in with my very favourite meal: Mac and cheese with a splash of ketchup. Yum. I bet people like Mr. Pompous find the very idea offensive.  And occasionally if I’m feeling especially lazy, and the wife is out with friends, I might put on some sweatpants, throw a Hungry Man TV dinner into the microwave and, yup, plant my butt down right on the couch to eat it.  I bet you a million bucks someone like that hoighty-toighty, Armani-wearing Barack Obama would never do that.

While that master-of-snoot Barack Obama and his upper-class cohorts are shuttling their families around in one of those expensive foreign-made cars, probably a Jaguar or BMW, or maybe one of those fancy schmancy Lincoln Navigators, I do just fine, thank you very much, in my “support the troops”-bumper-stickered Ford Explorer.  It may be the best we could afford, but it’s also the best car a middle-class family could want.  It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if someone like Barack Obama outright refused to even get into a car like mine.  “No seat warmers? Then no thank you,” I bet is what they’d say.  Talk about out of touch!

Ok, maybe I’m being a little disingenuous when I say everything in my life is as salt-of-the-earth as I claim it to be.  I did splurge a little and bought the family a HUGE flat-screen TV with a kickin’ surround sound system (you should hear this baby in action), but come on, I think I deserve a treat now and again, right?  If it makes me and my family happy, then what could be wrong with that?  Why don’t you ask the likes of that big-headed, snot-nose Barack Obama?   Boy oh boy, there’s nothing quite like watching sports highlights in glorious HD, let me tell you.  I am sooooo sorry I didn’t spend that money on things like the opera or the ballet, or put more of it into savings so I could afford a marble butt-cleaner that people like Barack Obama have in their palatial Chicago mansions.

I’m also sorry I don’t have a fancy masters degree or hob-knob with the rich and famous or write books or have lavish parties or live in a huge house or watch Shakespeare and listen to Strauss, but I’m a good father and loving husband and I provide for my family.  Is there anything wrong with that? There is if you’re anything like Barack Obama.

I might ONLY be a car mechanic and not a big shot lawyer like his royal highness and his friends, but at least I’m not afraid to get my hands a little dirty.  If you’re like Barack Obama then the only time you get grease on your hands is from shaking hands with other sleaze-ball politicans.

You know, if people like that pretentious know-it-all Barack Obama just once deigned so low to spend some time with people like me, they might just find it isn’t so bad being one of the common-folk. I’m not perfect by any means, I’m the first to admit it, but I don’t think you would have any grounds on which to judge my life if you were anyone other than that high-horse-riding princess Barack Obama.  Just remember, it’s good, wholesome people like me that vote — think about that when you’re considering what to have for breakfast.

Point/Basic Agreement with Point, but with a Small Caveat: iTunes is racist

Point: iTunes is racist

by some rambling lunatic

iTunes is totally racist!  I’ve always thought so, right from day one, but boy howdy, it really just got to be too much after that last software update.  Version 8.0 just took the level of bigotry over the top.  I can’t keep quiet anymore.  Something needs to be said.  Something needs to be done.  I’m tired of being offended by disgusting intolerance every time I want to play a song.  I mean, I don’t know if iTunes is made for the KKK or what, but it’s not cool with me. No sir.  Not one bit.  And it’s just gone on too long now.  I can’t believe our society has let this racist piece of software exist, never mind flourish!!  I’m pretty sure iTunes is the most racist piece of software I have (other than Quicken, obviously).  You know what I believe?  That everybody has a right to feel accepted when updating a podcast, doesn’t matter what colour or creed you are.  I’ve got a message to Steve Jobs: there’s a reason I don’t have any Jim Croce in my music library.  That reason is that his name sounds a lot like Jim Crow.  So stand up with me, music listeners, and let’s tell the mean old Silicon Valley crew that in the year 2008, 45 years after Martin Luther King had a dream, separate but equal is not good enough for our playlists.  Screw you iTunes, and go back to the 1800s.

Basic Agreement with Point, but with a Small Caveat: Well, I guess I also kind of noticed something a little strange, but I don’t know if we should jump to conclusions yet. There’s no need to get so worked up, that’s for sure.

by an average music listener

In iTunes version 8.0, if you’re listening to a song by a black recording artist, the new recommendation algorithm, called Genius, does indeed seem to only recommend songs by other black musicians.  I suppose this could be interpreted as a little racist.  Otherwise, I don’t know what the hell this guy is going on about.

Frasier takes conversation overheard through slightly open door out of context

Renowned Seattle psychiatrist and KACL radio personality, Dr. Frasier Crane, took his brother’s girlfriend’s words out of context Thursday when he overheard one side of a short snippet of telephone conversation through the crack of her slightly open door and incorrectly assumed she was talking about him.

According to reports, the incident occurred around 4:30 Thursday afternoon on a Toronto Fox affiliate station and took place in a 5-star Colorado resort hotel to which Dr. Crane had brought his entire immediate family, plus two female guests, for the weekend.  Though initially only involving the girlfriend of his brother Dr. Niles Crane, also a Seattle-based psychiatrist, the situation soon escalated to include the entire group through multiple incidences of bad timing and a series of unfortunate misunderstandings.  It is also believed poor communication skills and excessive hubris, especially on the part of Dr. Crane, may be partly to blame for the resulting fracas.

Thursday’s events were reportedly precipitated as Dr. Crane returned to his hotel room after making an ice

Frasier prepares to misinterpret the situation.

run for his $750 bottle of specialty-imported Clos du Mesnil Champagne, which he intended to share with his companion, Linda, whom he had met at Cafe Nervosa earlier that episode.  But upon hearing the voice of his brother’s girlfriend, Melissa, through her slightly ajar hotel-room door as she held a telephone conversation with an unknown third party, Crane, allegedly unable to mind his own business, stopped to listen.

“…I think I would rather be with the brother,” Dr. Crane overheard as a look of exaggerated shock appeared on his face.  She continued: “He’s so much better looking and a lot funnier…”

Dr. Crane apparently discontinued his eavesdropping at the sight of his brother approaching, and according to viewers, struggled to act natural and pretend as though nothing had happened.

Frustratingly, had Dr. Crane passed by the door mere moments earlier, or been permitted to stay just a few seconds longer, he would probably have known that Melissa was actually engaging in harmless hypotheticals with a friend about actor/brothers Luke and Owen Wilson, avoiding the entire vacation-marring ordeal.

According to expert David Palcer, who owns all eleven seasons of “Frasier” on DVD, this type of behaviour is not unusual: “Through my research I’ve found that Dr. Crane often takes conversations out of context or misunderstands the true intent of a person’s actions, then spins the situation out of control through a histrionic and poorly-thought-out decision making process.  It’s actually quite ironic that a man who spends his life dispensing advice needs so much of it himself.”

Added Palcer: “In different, less-tragic circumstances, it might even be kind of funny.”

With his holiday ruined, his girlfriend having dumped him, and his entire family mad at him — including patriarch Martin Crane, a retired Seattle-area police officer, and his physiotherapist, Daphne Moon –  audiences are hopeful that the blustering and defensive Crane, who was last seen dejectedly sitting alone on the edge of his bed taking deep swigs directly from his expensive bottle of champagne, will have learned a lesson.

Dr. Crane was unavailable for comment but offered the following statement: “Scrambled eggs all over my face.  What is a boy to do?”

Cohn Keeps Walking

In 1992, Marc Cohn was awarded the Grammy for Best New Artist on the heels of his hit song “Walking in Memphis.”  Though Cohn’s evocative tour through the Memphis of his fantasies garnered praise and fired imaginations, he has not found similar musical success since.  Now, the Cleveland native and attempted-carjacking victim hopes to reignite his career by walking in other locations and musically reflecting on the experiences.

Cohn’s latest walking tour is through Dayton, Ohio.  While in “Memphis,” Cohn chronicled the delights of an Al Green show, Elvis’ Graceland mansion, and Muriel’s piano-playing at a local dive, “Walking in Dayton, Ohio” will highlight Albert Greenwood, a local children’s magician who performs under the name Maude Tromboneshoes, the mayor’s house known as Plaiceland because of the mayor’s fondness for the common flatfish, and the drum playing of Guriel, who demands that visitors become Muslims for the duration of their visit to her cafe.  Cohn may also visit the Dayton Aviation Heritage National Historical Park.

Cohn gazes at Dayton, remembering his walk.

Following the expected triumph of “Walking in Dayton, Ohio,” Cohn plans to pen “Walking in Seattle,” in which the narrator arrives in the coach seating of a hovercraft and walks with his feet teen feet below 2nd Avenue on Seattle’s famous underground walking tour, while wearing pink velour slippers.  He will also beseech Bill Nye to look down over him.

All future “Walking” songs will continue to feature Cohn asking the audience whether he really feels the way that he feels, a fundamental, enigmatic existential question which the artist believes can apply equally to any American city.

Harry Stokes, AI: Amnesty International

Below is the script for the pilot episode of Harry Stokes, AI: Amnesty International. Is That My Shirt? predicts it will be a big hit.

EPISODE ONE: The Power of the Pen

ACT ONE: Whence will come the pen?

We are in Myanmar.  Some call it Burma.  All call it Hell.  The sky is grey and rain pours down.  The streets run red with blood.

Chaos is everywhere.  Bedlam.  People are screaming and scrambling for cover from riot squads who are brutally repressing a political protest.

We focus in on one member of the crowd, a western journalist.  He has at the ready his trusty camera, capturing the horrors, intending to share the truth with the outside world.  Perhaps he has a blog.

Suddenly he is surrounded by police.

BIG JERK POLICEMAN: (thick accent) Give us that camera and you might live.

CAMERMAN: No, you have no right to take it.

POLICEMAN: Foreign scum, you have one last chance to obey.

CAMERAMAN: I am an American citizen and I have rights.

POLICEMAN: Not here you don’t, American pig.  This is our land.

CAMERMAN: What you are doing here is wrong.  The world needs to see what is happening.

POLICEMAN: Take him away.  And torture him a lot.

The police haul him away.  We cut to the Cameraman being thrown in a dank, dark, dingy jail cell.  The cell door is slammed shut and the police walk away laughing at their pathetic prisoner.

CAMERAMAN: Hey, what about food and clean water?  What about legal counsel?  You can’t keep me in here.  I am a citizen of the free world, and this injustice will not stand.

We fade out as the Cameraman sobs, frightened and alone.

TITLE SEQUENCE:

While the title sequence hasn’t been produced yet, we offer the following video to give you a sense of what it will be like once completed:

ACT 2: Putting Pen to Justice.

The camera is tight on an old-fashioned rotary telephone.  It rings.  A hand reaches over and picks it up.  The hand belongs to Harry Stokes, AI.

STOKES: Harry Stokes, AI.

Camera cuts to Stan Franks.  He is smoking a cigar.  He wears a white button-down dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and the tie loosened.  It’s obvious he’s had a hard day.  It’s also obvious that there is no such thing as an easy day for Stan Franks.  He sits behind a large desk.

FRANKS: Stokes, it’s Stan Franks.  I got a case for you.

STOKES: I told you, Stan, that last case was my final one.  I’m retired.  My ink’s all dried up…

FRANKS: Damnit, Stokes, you’re the best we got and we need your help. (pause) I need your help.

STOKES: Alright, what do you got for me?

FRANKS: A political prisoner in Myanmar.  You might know it as Burma.  He was arrested three days ago and the government refuses to release him.

STOKES: What are the charges?

FRANKS: (long pause) There are no charges, Stokes. There is no habeas corpus over there.

STOKES: Jesus.  They got no right to hold him.  No right at all.

FRANKS: You don’t need to tell me, Stokes.  He’s a young guy, just a kid.  A photographer.

STOKES: And now a…political prisoner.

FRANKS: Exactly.  So you taking the case?

STOKES:  I’ll get him out.

FRANKS: I know you will.

Stokes hangs up the phone.  He takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a long (four minutes) sigh.

Stokes walks over to a large writing bureau and sits down heavily in front of it.  He pulls out a really nice stationery kit and prepares his pen and paper.  For the next 32 minutes we watch as he writes a letter.  Intense letter-writing music plays to heighten the drama.

When he’s finished, he puts the letter in an envelope, seals it, and addresses it to the government of Myanmar/Burma.

STOKES: Don’t worry, kid.  You’re coming home.  As soon as this is in the mail.

ROLL CREDITS.

“Freshness is very nice,” declare plump German diners

“The freshness is so nice!” announced Gerta von Hammeschon this weekend between large bites of a delicious prime rib garnished with mounds of fresh herbs and surrounded by potatoes, carrots, onions, and kale fresh from the garden.

“Das ist ein stunning repast,” agreed her companion Herr Fritz Grauschmannzasten as he stuffed his mouth completely full of Spaetzle made from the freshest Bavarian wheat.  He then slowly sank his knife into a schnitzel whose freshly-made batter had the fluffiness of a cloud.  The veal within, taken from a calf killed just that morning, was easily divided into edible portions, thanks to its extreme freshness, by his well-sharpened German-made steak knife.

The two complemented the meal with a dark, micro-brewed Bavarian lager in large beer steins, and noted that it was the care and attention given by brewers following traditional German methods which brought out the incredible level of freshness in their beverages.

The diners, plump and jolly, agreed that it was the particular freshness of their meal which made it so memorable.

Smoking good for you, reports Sturgeon General

In a stunning reversal of decades of established scientific understanding, a report released Monday by the office of the American Sturgeon General conclusively shows for the first time that smoking is good for you.

“The results are in and they speak loud and clear: Cigarettes are not bad,” said Philip Morris CEO Michael E. Szymanczyk “For years people have been unfairly blaming us for a host of diseases, claims that we’ve proved are categorically untrue.”

The report, commissioned in early 2008 by the Altria group, the parent company of tobacco giant Philip Morris, is already being railed against by critics as a desperate attempt by Big Tobacco to stem the tide of bad press and negative public attitude. Some have even suggested that the Sturgeon General, Larry Wimore of Frank’s Fresh Fish Mart, was only selected in order to confuse consumers, pointing out that Sturgeon General is similar-sounding to Surgeon General, a governmental office that has historically been opposed to the consumption of cigarettes.

“What report?” said Wimore in a statement to reporters driven to his workplace by Philip Morris representatives.  “Well yeah, cigarettes are fantastic, I’ll give you that.  I couldn’t make it through the day without them.  As far as I’m concerned, they’re the only thing that keeps me going.  Well, that and delicious down-home fried sturgeon.” Wimore then said he couldn’t take any more questions because he was behind in his work, gutting and packaging the nearby huge pile of fish. Given the moniker “Sturgeon General” by his co-workers at Frank’s Fresh Fish Mart for his seemingly endless knowledge in the art of gutting, cleaning, and packaging the large, bony, prehistoric, bottom-feeding fish, Wimore also offered the impressive credential that he has been smoking since the age of twelve.

The Sturgeon General's logo

Szymanczyk says the report makes clear what he’s known all along to be true:  “For too long cigarettes have gotten a bad rap.  The Sturgeon General has made their health benefits very clear in this statement, based on what is, without exaggeration, truly a lifetime of research.”

Since the 1950s when researchers first began searching for a biological link between smoking cigarettes and the formation of cancer, thousands of studies have been published that suggest cigarettes are to blame for a wide range of maladies, from emphysema to bone-density loss to death.  But the landmark paper points out glaring mistakes in these early studies.  For instance, the report notes that almost none gave consideration to the positive health properties of cold-water-fish-derived Omega-3 fatty acids.

Some critics, however, have called the studies results into question.  Don Toliddle, a spokesperson for the anti-smoking group behind the website thetruth.com says its clear that Philip Morris cherry-picked facts and distorted evidence in order to reach specious conclusions.   “I have nothing but respect for the office of the Sturgeon General and the importance of Mr. Wimore’s position,” says Toliddle, “but it looks to me like the company just took a study on the health benefits of eating fish that they found on WebMD, got him to sign it, and then crossed out the word ‘fish’ and replaced it with “cigarette.’”

According to Philip Morris, Wimore acknowledges that there will be resistance in the mainstream to accepting these new findings, but says the evidence continues to build and more studies are constantly being conducted.  “Well yeah, I’m for sure going to keep smoking.  I guess you guys can spread the word if you want, but I don’t know why anybody would give a damn what I think.  I mean, yeah, I couldn’t live without the things, but on the other hand, my old man, who was a three-pack-a-day kind of guy, did kick the bucket when he was 45 because of lung canc — ,” said Wimore before a Philip Morris spokesman intervened to announce that Wimore had urgent laboratory work to attend to.

Szymanzyk says he is especially excited about a new area of study that suggests that it is more harmful to one’s health not to smoke.  “Once we’ve shown this to be true, we’ll revise the Sturgeon General’s Warning to reflect this — I mean…the Sturgeon General will revise his own warning based on his extensive research.”

The new warnings should appear on packages of cigarettes as early as next year.

CONVENIENCE STORE NOW OPEN 22/6.42

Citing his interest in finding out more about the phenomenon of sleep, convenience store owner/operator Red Robinson recently scaled back his 24-hour operation to just 22 hours per day.

“A lot of people tell me that it’s quite rejuvenating to spend time each day unconscious in a horizontal position,” says Robinson. The hard-working proprietor appears to have every intention of pursuing his new lifestyle aggressively, having installed a premier wall-bed in the spam section.

Red Robinson shows off his new wall-bed

But customer reaction is not as relaxed as Robinson hopes to be for two hours every day. “This is inconvenient,” said store patron Vern Punkrey. “Red Robinson should also change his store’s name from ‘Won’t you join Red Robinson at any of the 24 hours of any day’ to ‘Go away, because there are only 22 hours each day during which you’ll be invited to join Red Robinson in his store.’”

Robinson notes that should too many of his customers come to share this sentiment, he will investigate another rumour he’s heard: that there are people who would be willing to mind the shop in return for dollars.

CBS to spinoff “Judge Judy,” Judge Judy to be character spun off

CBS announced it is developing a spinoff of its hit syndicated court-room reality drama “Judge Judy” with the popular character Judge Judith Sheindlin taking the reins as star of the new show.  While CBS did not release any details surrounding plot or additional casting, it has stated that the same creative team behind the ten-time Daytime Emmy nominated show will be responsible for the spinoff.

Judge Judy shows off her flowing robes. Nice!

Tentatively titled “Judge Judy: Judge Judy,” the new show will see the fiery and irascible Judge Judy, a perennial favourite character on “Judge Judy,” dish out her unique brand of tough justice through even tougher love.

“Since debuting in first-run syndication in 1996, Judge Judy has been a ratings powerhouse and we felt the show was strong enough, and the audience dedicated enough, to support a spinoff,” said co-executive producer Timothy Regler.  “But of all the characters in our arsenal, we knew that Judge Judy had the most legs with which to carry her own show.”

Set to air back to back with “Judge Judy” in the fall, Regler promises “Judge Judy: Judge Judy” will be its own show with a unique focus and tone while still maintaining a similar structure and the overall feel that made the first show such a huge success.  “Our network perfected the spinoff with the CSI franchise,” says Regler. “And [co-executive producer] Randy [Douthit] and I were able to learn a lot about what and what not to do in order to avoid franchise burnout.”

Opening each episode of “Judge Judy” is the baritone voice-over: Real People, real cases, Judge Judy.  As to whether this famous refrain will expand to become a franchise trademark, Regler is coy: “Shows like ‘Law and Order’ and ‘CSI’ all have their distinctive touches that make it true to its universe, but all I’m going to say is that ‘Judge Judy: Judge Judy’ has some fun homages to the original.”

Judge Judy karate chops her desk in half.

Regler denies rumours that CBS is simultaneously developing other spinoffs, including “Judge Judy: Bailiff Tom in New York” and “Judge Judy: Pool Justice,” which is almost identical to “Judge Judy” except it takes place in an Olympic-sized swimming pool and the plaintiff and defendant enter the courtroom via water-slides.

And as to whether Judge Judy will be stopping by for a visit now and again? Says Regler with a wink, “You never know.  In the ‘Judge Judy’ universe anything’s possible.”

Songs which are generally not considered to be Christian rock, but which perhaps should be

Van Morrison, Full Force Gale

Questionable Lyrics:

Like a full force gale
I was lifted up again
I was lifted up again by the Lord

Though Morrison’s references to being lifted up by “the Lord” have often been taken to refer to his weight-lifting feudal landlord Tubbie de Gros, it is now believed to be a reference to the Christian God.

The Commodores, Three Times a Lady

Questionable Lyrics:

You’re once twice three times a lady

Casual listeners and Commodores connoisseurs alike have often been at a loss to explain what characteristics, exactly, Lionel Richie is referring to when announcing that the object of his affections is once, twice, and three times a lady: three times the size?  Three times the loveliness?  Three times the trampolinist?  Experts believe that they have now laid bare the truth — Richie is in fact referring to the Holy Trinity, with the father being the first lady, the son the second, and the elusive, nebulous holy ghost the third.  Note also that many feminists have rejoiced since this confirms that God (all three parts) is a lady.

Paul Simon, Boy in the Bubble

Questionable Lyrics:

The Boy in the Bubble

This 1986 tune is in fact a reference to a little-known Christian sect which believed that they had discovered that Jesus had ascended to heaven inside a soapy bubble. Also the inspiration for the classic videogame Bubble Bobble, which not coincidentally also appeared in ‘86.

Elton John, Your Song

Questionable Lyrics:

But the sun’s been quite kind while I wrote this song
It’s for people like you that keep it turned on

Though lyricist Bernie Taupin’s early masterpiece is sometimes thought to be about a young lass who was the object of his boyish, poetic fancy, it is now believed that because Taupin addresses the song to someone who can keep the sun turned on, he must have been referencing God.

The 1971 album that features "Your Song."

The original album art for the same 1971 album.