Corrections

ITMS sets the record straight.

1.) We incorrectly defined Kobe Beef as a Japanese wrestler who wears a 10-pound codpiece.  Kobe Beef is a type of celery.

2.) We incorrectly described our food columnist Bill McRasman’s Chicken Pot Pie recipe as a delicious savoury option for the Fall season.  Bill’s Chicken Pot Pie is terrible.

3.) We incorrectly reported that Wolf Blitzer was in stable condition after undergoing emergency beard removal surgery.  Wolf Blitzer is dead as a result of the injuries sustained to his beard.  We regret the error.

4.) We incorrectly listed Sal Pillsby of Crumpton, Maryland as the top recipient of this year’s American Hair-Part Society Award for Best Hair Part.  Mr. Pillsby actually came first in the “Fastest Parting” category.

5.) We incorrectly identified the practice of tossing a glass of alcohol at a neighbour’s canine as “Grogging the Dog.”  The behaviour is generally known as “Schnappsing the Schnauzer.”

Barack Obama Paid by the Word

In a revelation seemingly tailor-made to the advantage of his political opponents, it was discovered today that Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama is paid by the word.

“We have argued consistently throughout this campaign season that Senator Obama’s appeal is based entirely on his glittering oratory,” said Senators Hillary Clinton and John McCain in a joint statement released today.  “Finally, the American people are getting some answers as to why this one man would take up so much of our valuable time with his pompous blustering.”

Similarly, New York Times columnist David Brooks will write in tomorrow’s edition, “It has always been curious why the senator takes at least fifteen minutes of my day simply to say, in effect, ‘the American spirit is great, so let’s all be reasonable and try to fix stuff.’”

Many political insiders say that their suspicions about Senator Obama’s salary arrangements were heightened following his purchase of 30 minutes of prime-time television coverage one week before November’s election and the recent appearance of an all-Obama satellite television network.

The confirmation of Senator Obama’s pay package came in a statement today from Howard Dean, Democratic National Committee chair, following its discovery by investigative journalist Tom Berleski.  “Senator Obama, when he agreed to accept our nomination, demanded a pay package competitive with those available in the private sector.  To secure his position with our organization, we offered the senator a very reasonable $30 per word.”

Senator Obama’s campaign declined to comment for this story, announcing instead that their candidate will be making a statement on the issue tomorrow from 11:00 am to 3:00 pm, EDT.

Relax with a Zen Garden

Relax.  Sit down on this apparently delicate yet solidly constructed bamboo bench.  Slip off your shoes and run your toes across the warm green grass.  Feel the gentle sun slide down your body, browning your skin and caressing you like only a mother can.

Take this cup of white tea.  It has significant medicinal properties.  More importantly, as you feel this elixir of calm slide down your throat, you will relax beyond all reasonable measures.

Now slowly lift your head from the carpet of green below you.  Cast your eyes over the impeccably-manicured Zen Garden that stretches from a spot just beyond the reach of your toes off toward the overgrown gazebo beside the restful pond at the edge of the inviting forest.  Watch as the monks go about their quiet, endless routine, forming rocks from nature into sublime patterns created in the inimitable genius of the human mind.

Look upwards as the call of geese echoes across the afternoon sky.  Perhaps humanity is not alone in creating beautiful forms after all, you will think as their perfect V traces a strangely languid path southward.  The timeless march of the natural world enchants you.

Close your eyes as three Mongolian masseuses approach on silent, sandalled feet, and grip your tired shoulders.  Your worldly cares melt away as the magic of ancient Asian healing pierces and deflates the artificial modern world reflected in your outrageously tight muscles.

Now that you’re relaxed, could I interest you in a spirited round of fencing?  Here, take this lovingly hand-crafted French-made foil.  That’s right, grip it firmly, but loosely enough so that you can feel the play of its motion.  Put your shoes on.  Get up.  I don’t care if you don’t fence!  What do you think this is?

Defend yourself, damn you!  You’d better put this mask on.  Things could get ugly if you’re as poor a fighter as it appears.

Touche!  That’s one for me — now come after me!  There you go, that’s the spirit!  Ah ha, almost had me that time!

Wait, where are you going?  Come back and fight, coward!  NO, DON’T RUN THROUGH THE ZEN GARDEN!  LOOK OUT FOR THE MONKS!!!

Indigenous Poem

by Dawn

What a great day
to enjoy an indigenous experience.
I will visit the native plant garden.
I will eliminate non-native plants in the garden
to maintain native purity.
I am preparing to enjoy the native moss and lichen.
I am planning to discover the secret to maintaining a native atmosphere.
I visit my local Denny’s warehouse outlet.
Luckily they are open 24 hours a day.
I have a skillet for breakfast at 10 pm.
When I inquire if they use all-native skillets, the waitress tells me that she is not sure.
I hurl my skillet for breakfast through the window, which advertised a cheap grand slam.
It is a sunny day.
Don at the Ace Hardware told me that the sun is native.
Fflloydd the Scandinavian told me that he is a native
of Iceland.
That was cool.
I don’t know what Don meant about the sun.
I attend the dedication of three statues dedicated to INDIGENOUS.
Louise the salon worker proposes a toast to a candelabrum.
I have an indigenous revelation;
I feel like having pork and beans,
but I only want to use indigenous pork! pork! pork! pork! pork! pork!
That is no way my problem, says my medium, Lewenda.
I visit my personal pork and synthetic latex dealer.
I acquire the shank and rump of pork and dice it into small cubes in a bowl.
I have trouble acquiring native beans to accompany the pork.
I germinate some native beans in my garden.
In a couple of months, I will be able to indulge myself in indigenous pork and beans.
It will be a good year for indigenous celebrations.
I am glad that there is so much indigenous material with which to create items.

Barbershop Quartet Brings Excessive Harmony, Lack of Subtlety to Classic Tune

Barbershop quartet The Frequent Ritards performed their rendition of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” Monday at a local seniors’ home, butchering both the song’s driving melody and subtle lyrical playfulness with their overly-hammy harmonies and goofy pantomimes.

“Vain, vain, bah-doobity, vain, vain, bah-doobity-dah,” began bass Kurt Batasky in the latest of his locally-famous foghorn-deep introductory scats.

“Ooooooooooooooooh,” chimed in lead Martin Bellsman, tenor Francisco Tartolera, and baritone Tyler Proctosse, creating a notably bright major chord over Batasky’s scatting which would horrify songstress Simon.

Local putzes "The Frequent Ritards"

Forgoing the pumping yet ice-cool rhythms of the original recording, the Ritards swung through the opening verse with loosey-goosey randomness, slowing and speeding the tempo apparently at random so as to unnecessarily show off their needlessly-complex harmonizing on the long notes, grinning from ear to ear like mentally challenged children during the entire performance.  Reaching the lead-in to the song’s first chorus, in which the lyrics note that all the girls at a party dream that they will be the protagonist’s partner, the four doofuses pointed at themselves in exaggerated fashion, prompting slight giggles from the two senior citizens who were able to remain awake until that point in the song.

Swinging into the song’s famous chorus with more gratuitous scatting, the idiots then “comically” reversed course, making a great show of pointing at one another and doffing their hats as they sang “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.”

When reached for comment, Mick Jagger, whose crisp backing vocals were responsible for much of the panache of the original recording, commented, “This is the reason I’m still in this business.  If I leave, it’s one more opening for clods like this.”

Restaurant puts non-Kikkoman soy sauce into Kikkoman bottle, creates nuclear holocaust

Officials said today they had determined the cause of last month’s nuclear blast and are now linking the devastating explosion, which killed 15 million people and wiped out a huge swathe of the Eastern United States (including Crumpton), to restaurant owner Harry Chung when he allegedly ignored the warning on the side of his Kikkoman soy sauce dispensers by refilling them with a cheaper-quality knock-off brand.

“The warnings to not refill those glass Kikkoman soy sauce bottles with anything other than Kikkoman-brand soy sauce are right there on the bottle for a reason,” said FEMA spokesperson Alfred Donaldson.  “It looks like a case of a restaurant owner trying to save money gone horribly wrong.”

It has been known for weeks that the epicentre of the devastation originated from Chung’s House of Chinese Food, but authorities had until now struggled to find the exact cause of the nuclear event.  It was only after investigators ruled out terrorism that they began looking into other possibilities.

“We assumed most restaurant owners were smart enough not to refill Kikkoman soy sauce bottles with anything other than Kikkoman-brand soy sauce so we didn’t immediately think to look at that as the cause,” said Donaldson, adding that it was a “damn shame” that people don’t take the warnings more seriously.

Kikkoman CEO Hiro Yamaguchi said that while he is deeply saddened by the tragedy, the company places the cautionary label on every Kikkoman soy sauce decanter to stop the type of irresponsible bottle-filling behaviour that was behind Friday’s horrific accident.

"Refill Only with Kikkoman"

“We cannot be held responsible when the consumer has been so clearly warned,” Yamguchi said.  “Look, when we first started selling our product 400 years ago, we were the only company in the world selling soy sauce.  But as other brands came to market and we realized there was a very small chance of there being devastating consequences to purchasing other soy sauces and putting them into our bottles, we made sure we made the danger clear to the public.”

“Maybe Mr. Chung never noticed the warning. Or maybe he just thought he could get away with it, play the odds and save a little cash,” said Donaldson.  “Whatever it was,  a lot of people are dead.”

In an attempt to prevent further soy sauce holocausts, Kikkoman has said they will work with governments to raise awarness.  Other measures will include making the warnings larger and more noticeable.

Cochrane Derided for Highway Attitude

The Society of Highway Aware Men launched a scathing attack Monday on “Life is a Highway” singer Tom Cochrane, decrying the singer’s cavalier attitude to long-distance driving.

Said Society President Mervyn Travers, “In encouraging followers to drive from Mozambique to Memphis and from the Khyber Pass to Vancouver in a single, unending night, Cochrane encourages not only defying the laws of physics, given that these locations are on continents separated by oceans, but also travel through extremely dangerous areas.”

“The Khyber Pass, for example, is an area more suited to jihadist fanatics trafficking AK-47s than responsible highway enthusiasts,” Travers continued.  “And I shouldn’t even need to comment on Cochrane’s bald-faced attempt to have all his devotees drive from dusk to dawn without a break, despite all reputable experts recommending 15 to 20 minutes of rest for every 2 hours of highway driving.”

“To be blunt, Cochrane’s whole approach to highway travel is flat-out treacherous to other drivers and thus really quite selfish,” Travers concluded.

“Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme,” rebutted Cochrane when reached for comment by this reporter.

Christian Bale to gain, lose, gain, lose weight for upcoming roles

Hollywood film star Christian Bale announced today that he will play in a series of films giving him the opportunity to showcase his talent for radical weight adjustment, beginning with a prequel to the critically acclaimed “The Machinist.”  In that 2004 film, the Welsh-born actor played Trevor Reznik, an industrial worker in the throes of a mysterious psychological crisis whose body is wasting away.  To prepare for the role, Bale dropped 63 pounds and then famously regained sufficient bulk to play the fictional superhero Batman in the 2005 film “Batman Begins.”

Bale in "The Machinist"

“The Submarinist,” due for release in 2009, chronicles an earlier period of Reznik’s life during which he worked at Chet Shelfshifter’s Tiny Submarine Sandwich Boutique Emporium Smorgasbord in Crumpton, Maryland.  Reznik was known as The Submarinist due to his tendency to eat his own submarine sandwiches and spend 20 hours per day beneath the blankets on his king-size bed.  According to an early version of the script obtained by this reporter, Bale will need to gain at least 120 pounds to match the description of Reznik’s massive, submarine sandwich-filled frame.

Bale in "The Submarinist"

Following completing of “The Submarinist,” Bale will star in a bio-pic of French ballet dancer Jules Perrot, which will require him to lose 180 pounds.  Soon after, Bale will begin filming on an untitled Martin Scorsese project for which he will need to gain 240 pounds and eight inches in height within one month.  Finally, Bale will work with Russell Crowe on a project whose filming tentatively requires them to travel to a recently-discovered universe with only two dimensions so that their mass will include height and width, but not depth.

Inventor Dyson to follow up vacuum cleaner with star-encompassing megasphere

Most famous for his dual-cyclone bagless vacuum cleaner, British inventor and billionaire James Dyson announced plans Friday to begin development on his next project, a 149 598 000 km-long sphere that when finished will completely encircle a star and provide living space for over 8 trillion people.

“As our society’s energy needs continue to increase, it won’t be long before our long-term survival as a species becomes at risk and we need to harness one-hundred percent of a star’s energy,” said Dyson in a statement to the press.

Nicknamed the “Dyson Sphere,” the planet-dwarfing superstructure, which will be the size of the orbit of the Earth around the sun, will be based on the centrifugal, cyclonic separation technology already used in Dyson’s futuristic vacuums.

Said Dyson: “I felt that a Dyson Sphere was really just the next logical step in my work.”

Though currently still searching for a suitable G2-class star, Dyson says he is anxious to begin construction on what will be — in theory — the largest artificial structure in the known universe and hopes to begin as early as next year.

Think/Think Again: I hope no one notices I just pooped my pants.

THINK: I hope no one notices I just pooped my pants.

by Dave

Oh geez.  I just pooped my pants.  I hope no one notices.

.

THINK AGAIN: What’s that smell?

by Scott

Can anyone else smell that?