Corrections

ITMS sets the record straight.
1.) We incorrectly defined Kobe Beef as a Japanese wrestler who wears a 10-pound codpiece.  Kobe Beef is a type of celery.
2.) We incorrectly described our food columnist Bill McRasman’s Chicken Pot Pie recipe as a delicious savoury option for the Fall season.  Bill’s Chicken Pot Pie is terrible.
3.) We incorrectly [...]

Barack Obama Paid by the Word

In a revelation seemingly tailor-made to the advantage of his political opponents, it was discovered today that Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama is paid by the word.
“We have argued consistently throughout this campaign season that Senator Obama’s appeal is based entirely on his glittering oratory,” said Senators Hillary Clinton and John McCain in a [...]

Relax with a Zen Garden

Relax.  Sit down on this apparently delicate yet solidly constructed bamboo bench.  Slip off your shoes and run your toes across the warm green grass.  Feel the gentle sun slide down your body, browning your skin and caressing you like only a mother can.
Take this cup of white tea.  It has significant medicinal properties.  More [...]

Indigenous Poem

by Dawn
What a great day
to enjoy an indigenous experience.
I will visit the native plant garden.
I will eliminate non-native plants in the garden
to maintain native purity.
I am preparing to enjoy the native moss and lichen.
I am planning to discover the secret to maintaining a native atmosphere.
I visit my local Denny’s warehouse outlet.
Luckily they are open 24 [...]

Barbershop Quartet Brings Excessive Harmony, Lack of Subtlety to Classic Tune

Barbershop quartet The Frequent Ritards performed their rendition of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” Monday at a local seniors’ home, butchering both the song’s driving melody and subtle lyrical playfulness with their overly-hammy harmonies and goofy pantomimes.
“Vain, vain, bah-doobity, vain, vain, bah-doobity-dah,” began bass Kurt Batasky in the latest of his locally-famous foghorn-deep introductory scats.
“Ooooooooooooooooh,” [...]

Restaurant puts non-Kikkoman soy sauce into Kikkoman bottle, creates nuclear holocaust

Officials said today they had determined the cause of last month’s nuclear blast and are now linking the devastating explosion, which killed 15 million people and wiped out a huge swathe of the Eastern United States (including Crumpton), to restaurant owner Harry Chung when he allegedly ignored the warning on the side of his Kikkoman [...]

Cochrane Derided for Highway Attitude

The Society of Highway Aware Men launched a scathing attack Monday on “Life is a Highway” singer Tom Cochrane, decrying the singer’s cavalier attitude to long-distance driving.
Said Society President Mervyn Travers, “In encouraging followers to drive from Mozambique to Memphis and from the Khyber Pass to Vancouver in a single, unending night, Cochrane encourages not [...]

Christian Bale to gain, lose, gain, lose weight for upcoming roles

Hollywood film star Christian Bale announced today that he will play in a series of films giving him the opportunity to showcase his talent for radical weight adjustment, beginning with a prequel to the critically acclaimed “The Machinist.”  In that 2004 film, the Welsh-born actor played Trevor Reznik, an industrial worker in the throes of [...]

Inventor Dyson to follow up vacuum cleaner with star-encompassing megasphere

Most famous for his dual-cyclone bagless vacuum cleaner, British inventor and billionaire James Dyson announced plans Friday to begin development on his next project, a 149 598 000 km-long sphere that when finished will completely encircle a star and provide living space for over 8 trillion people.
“As our society’s energy needs continue to increase, it won’t [...]

Think/Think Again: I hope no one notices I just pooped my pants.

THINK: I hope no one notices I just pooped my pants.
by Dave
Oh geez.  I just pooped my pants.  I hope no one notices.
.

THINK AGAIN: What’s that smell?
by Scott
Can anyone else smell that?