With not a cloud in the sky and temperatures reaching a high of 12 degrees-Celsius, residents expressed amazement today at how seasonably warm the weather was.

“Is it just me or is this weather exactly what you’d expect it to be for the middle of October?” asked one local, causing others to nod in agreement that the weather was indeed surprisingly normal for this time of year.

Even climate experts were baffled by the seasonable balminess.

“Our models predicted we’d be experiencing weather that was pretty much in line with what we saw today,” said Channel 5 News Meteorologist Dan Danly.  “But it’s extremely usual that we’d be getting this level of seasonable warmth.”

Residents are advised not to make the most of it because the end of the normal spell is far off.

Said Danly: “As we head into winter we can expect the temperatures to drop and the weather to become very cold.  In fact, we’re expecting this winter to be particularly seasonably chilly.”

Is That My Shirt is pleased to introduce a new guest contributor, Ruth Chapman.  If you have ever had trouble figuring out how many hoots you should give about something, worry no longer.  Ruth is here to help.

“My co-worker Linda was ten minutes late for a meeting I was holding.  Later she came up and apologized and launched into a string of excuses, including that she had a kid staying home sick from school and the car wouldn’t start.  I just wasn’t sure how many hoots to give.  Please help.” – Liz Delfino, New York, New York

Ruth’s take: 4 hoots.

“My friend likes to read those trashy tabloid magazines and occasionally I’ll pick one of them up and flip through it.  I guess they’re kind of entertaining to read if you’re bored, but generally speaking, I’m not really sure how many hoots I’m supposed to give about this kind of celebrity gossip stuff.  What do you think?” — Deborah Sandling, Fresno, California

Ruth’s take: 1 hoot

“Ruth, I am 78 years old.  How many hoots should I give about the popular music kids listen to these days?” – Jean Haley, Victoria, British Columbia

Ruth’s take: Don’t give any hoots.

“Ruth, I need your help.  I am trying to encourage my sister to recycle, but she says she couldn’t give two hoots about the environment.  How can I get her to give more hoots?” -- David Daniels, Crumpton, Maryland

Ruth’s take: David, I really couldn’t give two hoots.

The world of dreams
Allows mortals to be queens,

But the dreams of one

Were a lot more fun;
And powerful

The man, a dreamer
The hero, a keener.
He was no ordinary man.

He was a dream come true
He was our dreams realized
We dreamed of love and we got…

CHARLES DEGAULLE
His love is manifest.

A general was He
Of the finest degree
The world was at war
And so he slammed the door;
On Hitler

The man, a dove
The hero, pure love
He was no ordinary man

He was a masterful man
Who hated Japan
We prayed for him and we got…

CHARLES DE GAULLE
His love is manifest.

When evil hit France
He said “there’s not time to dance.”
The men he was arming
Boy was he charming;
And sexy

The man, a hero
The hero, a man
He was no ordinary man.

Our land is now free
But under grass is he
The time has come
For the people to be one
With Charles

The man, so great
The hero, a saint.

He’s in all our hearts
And all the parts of France
We called for an answer
To put down the chancellor

We called for him. May he rest in peace.
CHARLES DE GAULLE His love is manifest!!!!!!!!!!!!

Though originally calling it forgettable and “not very funny,” Don Squigley has developed a stronger appreciation for the movie Moust Hunt after spending several frustrating weeks trying to deal with his own mouse problem.

“It’s been almost a month now since I first heard scratching behind my fridge and but no matter what I do, I can’t seem to kill this mouse,” said Squigley, adding: “I really have a new found empathy for what the characters in that movie went through.”

According to reports, Squigley has spent over $86 on various rodent traps, ranging from the iconic spring-loaded-bar model, which featured heavily in the 1997Nathan Lane vehicle, to more advanced sonic-based devices.

“I have this one where you put some peanut butter inside this little dome and when the mouse goes in to get it, it supposedly gets trapped inside.  And I’ve got a whole bunch of these sticky-tape pads, though I hear they aren’t very humane because the mouse  will chew off its legs to escape.  I just don’t care anymore though.  I’ll do anything to get rid of this god-damned mouse.”

Though the 38-million dollar, Gore Verbinski-directed film wasn’t a hit at the box-office and failed to win over critics, Squigley suspects it would be a different story if more movie-going audiences knew first hand how plausible the films plot really was.

“Remember in the movie where they have mouse traps literally covering the entire floor and the mouse sets them all off with a cherry — well, it’s not that far off.  Seriously, I have so many mouse traps set up I don’t know how it could possibly avoid them all.   And sometimes one or two of them I find discharged with the food gone.”

Four of Donly's ineffective mousetraps.

In the film’s climax — which at the time seemed silly and lacking any real laughs but now packs an emotional whollop — Nathan Lane’s character ends up levelling his home in a last-ditch effort to kill the mouse.  When asked if Squigley would go to similar extremes, he responds:

“No, I’ll probably just tell my landlord to hire an exterminator.  But wouldn’t it be amazing if it turned out to be a real weird guy like Christopher Walken’s character in the movie?”

Oh hello there.  No, no, I’m just exploring, thanks — quite content to be left to my own devices.  Of course, I shall beckon  if I need any help.

Well actually, sir, before you turn to leave, maybe you can be of some assistance.   I suppose you’re right — why fly blindly through such a large store when I can just as easily appeal to your experience and intellect.

Tell me please, what new and exciting video game boxes can you recommend?  Yes, that’s right, I wish to leave here today with one or two very enjoyable boxes.

For which “system”, you ask?  I’m not sure what you mean.  An Xbox?  No, I certainly don’t have one of those.  A PS3 — from what dimension does that hail?  A Nintenko Wii?  Gamecubes?  A PSP? No, no, no….I do not have any of those things.  Why, sir, the only “console” I have is right here, between the ears and behind my pearly blues.

You seem confused.  Ah, I think I know what’s going on, and I pity you, my friend.  You are so encumbered — enslaved really — by modern devices, you’ve completely lost the ability to use the most powerful gaming system of all.

OK, then why don’t you let me show you.  Hmmm…here…this looks like an exciting box, good as any to begin with.  Yes, go ahead and grab that one off the shelf.

Now tell me what you see.

An alien creature? Yikes! What else?  A giant spaceship, you say? How exciting.  Is it a warship or a craft of exploration?  No doubt it’s hurtling through the infinite abyss at impossible speeds.   How delightful.  What else?  Oh my — a planet housing a long forgotten civilization?  I’m already getting chills.  An endlessly explorable universe with upgradeable weapons and the latest in computer graphics? No, no, no, son, how can such things impress you?  Ah, of course, you have yet to discover how many gigaflops your imagination has.

Oh, now how about this one.  Yes, grab that box. What do you see this time?  A wizard surrounded by blue flame casting an incantation?  Wonderful.  Orcish-creatures brandishing huge rapiers and ghastly looking tools of destruction while heroic knights guard the castle! Ha ha! Brilliant.

Chose from over 20 character models?  Tsk, tsk.  I’m sorry to shake my head at you; I don’t mean to condescend.  But why limit yourself to 20, my friend?  Why not limit yourself to infinity.

Try this.  Close your eyes.  Go ahead; trust me.  That’s it, close them tight.

LOOK OUT, MY FRIEND! My soul, that creature nearly took your head off.  But I slayed it just in time.  You must be more cautious, my Lord.  Ah, look at you — a dashing young Earl ordered to protect the King and uphold goodness and peace in the realm.  As for me, I seem to have donned the robes of the King’s sage.  No doubt with this towering staff I can cast enchantments ten times as powerful as that mage on the box.

Did you hear that?  Yes, a scream.  But where did it come from?  There it is again and this time I’m sure it came from there: the Forbidden Forest.  We must throw caution to the wind if we wish to get there as soon as possible and rescue the lass.  How, you ask?  Why isn’t it obvious?  Atop the backs of these majestic stallions.  Where did they come from?  Haven’t you figured it out by now?

Yes, exactly.

Oh, you have to go now?  OK, no problem.  I think I’ve decided on my purchases anyway.  I’m off to the bookstore next.  Oh no, I can’t read, I’m just meeting a friend there.

Yes, you guessed right:  My friend is indeed an imaginary one.  And oddly enough, he looks exactly like you.

1.) A little-known amendment from the Bill of Rights regarding the legality of tomfoolery: Congress shall make no law causing twenty-nine Asian elephants to be imported into these States United for the purposes of buffoonery nor costumery; nor shall any law require Mr. Thos. Buckston of Beer Lane, Boston, Massachussets, to insert ninety-seven quills into his forearms and parade about the town square declaring himself to be the finest turkey in all of these States United; nor shall any law be made outlawing skylarking shenanigans, antics, nonsense, clowning, fandango, or mischief by young scoundrels enjoying a mid-summer’s eve on the common.  Monkey business, however, is strictly forbidden in these States United.

2.) A little-known right regarding the legality of prohibiting the way one wears a hat: Congress shall pass no law which infringes on the manner which a resident of these United States deems appropriate to don head wear, foppish or otherwise, irregardless of millinery experience.  No, no, we cannot take that away from said individual.  Additionally, should an individual choose to sip his tea or hold a knife in a fashion not considered traditional or standard, the Executive Branch shall take no action to proscribe such activity from taking place. No, no, we cannot take that away from him or her. And while custom may oblige one to frown upon dancing until three, singing off key, and having a smile that beams, it is an unalienable right for citizens of a free country to engage in such activity.  Pursuant to the rulings in The State vs. Gershwin, the haunting of dreams remains an offense punishable by ten years incarceration.

3.) A little-known directive on those qualified for government: Neither Congress nor the Executive nor the Judiciary shall be in the hands of eggheads, elitists, latte-sipping commies, old-Europe-style socialists, wine-swilling France lovers, arugula-chomping professor types, cheese-plate-serving lefties, or tax-and-spend military-hating pacifist hangers-on.  Thou must needs love these States United or, perforce, leave them.

4.) A little-known protection regarding the freedom to poo-poo:  Should something strike a legal resident of these United States as untoward or unsavoury, that individual shall not be ordered by any branch of government to refrain from turning their nose at it.  Providing the notion is suitably undesirable, a reasonable amount of poo-pooing will be allowed without a permit.

5.) A little-known right regarding filling your water bed with pudding: Filling your water bed with pudding is a really, really great idea.  Jefferson tried it first, and he wouldn’t shut up about it, so the rest of us ended up giving it a shot, and it’s just so comfortable.  We really can’t recommend this highly enough.  Seriously, you won’t regret it.  LIBERTY!!!

By Melvyn Creelmaster

The editors are pleased to welcome Melvyn Creelmaster to the ITMS team.  Melvyn is North America’s foremost expert on taking a variety of activities to the next level.  Watch for his regular contributions as he responds to reader questions on how to take it to the next level.

Dear Melvyn: Showering.
- Chet Plowe of Crumpton, Maryland

Dear Chet Plowe of Crumpton, Maryland: When you’re talking showers, you’ve GOT to be talking Taking It To The Next Level.  There’s no way to get around it, my man.  If you come into it on Level A, you’ve got to be focussed on pumping it up to Level B.  If you’re thinking you’re Down Here, you’ve got to be looking Up There.  Jump into that stall, crank that tap like you mean it, and clean your damn self up.  I’ll be waiting for you at The Next Level.  But in my own shower — no gay stuff.  Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, as long as they Take It To The Next Level.  Gay all the way, man, that’s where it’s at.

Dear Melvyn: Hedge-trimming.
- Bertha Twayne of Georgeville, Quebec

Dear Bertha Twayne of Georgeville, Quebec: This is a no-brainer.  If you’re talking about hedges, The Next Level is intrinsic and innate.  Your hedges aren’t going to be coming down to your level — those hedges ain’t no animals, they be plants!  Now get yourself to The Next Level with those hedges, and go postal on those cholorophyll-filled bastards.

Dear Melvyn: Cod Fishing.
- Torly Muddletart of Branson, Missouri

Dear Torly Muddletart of Branson, Missouri: Give me a break and cut me some slack.  COD FISHING?  I can hardly understand how you would even need to ask about whether you need to Take It To the Next Level with cod fishing.  Look, let me put it this way: are your cod nets made of hemp, or are they made of cotton?  Exactly.  It’s the same deal.  Now get out there and Take your cod fishing To The Next Level.

Next time in The Next Level: Elevators

A round-up of what the critics are saying.

“I may be a well-known proponent of global human rights, but from now on, there’s only one thing right for this human: Is That My Shirt?  No, no, that wasn’t a question, that’s the name of the blog.”
– Retired Supreme Court of Canada Justice Louise Arbour

“A stunning achievement.  Is That My Shirt? is [gut wrenching and powerful], mixing pathos and humanity all in one gulp.  [The authors are] writers at the peak of their craft.  I can’t recommend this one highly enough, and I know a thing or two about writing really amazing literature.”
– Dafydd Ab Hugh, co-author of Doom: Knee Deep in the Dead based on the hit id video game

“This is the best thing to come out of Soviet Russia since Yakov Schmirnoff.”
– Soviet Comedian Yakov Schmirnoff

“There are days when it is difficult to stop remembering how much of a pig my daughter is.  This blog is the only thing that can take my mind off it.”
–Alec Baldwin, actor/member of the lunatic left

“I have a plan to break America’s dependence on unfunny blogs.  Did you know that we send 700 billion hits a year to unfunny blogs?  That’s the largest transfer of page views in human history.  Now, thanks to the boys at ITMS, we’ve finally got a homegrown, hilarious blog to read.  If you count Canada as homegrown.  And this blog as hilarious.”
– T. Boone Pickens

“A masterwork.  A triumph.  It’s the laugh-out-loud hit of the year.  It’ll keep you coming back for more.  You’ll be giggling all the way home.  Don’t miss it.  Two men, one blog, and endless laughter.  This holiday season and this summer and this Valentine’s Day, read Is That My Shirt?”
– Thomas Cliché

“Wow! I feel so fortunate to have finally found a blog geared towards petite women.  What a relief.”–Connie P. Tites, owner of Connie’s Petites: Clothing for Petite Women

“When the residents of Crumpton need a laugh, they turn to Is That My Shirt?” – Chet Scrumptious, Mayor of Crumpton, Maryland

“I can’t believe those a-holes over in Crumpton think they enjoy ITMS more than we do.  If anybody’s town is a cesspool of rabid, frothing, mindless humour blog fanatics, it’s mine.  Screw off, Scrumptious!” – Ernie Truncheon, Mayor of Millington, Maryland

Black, soft, and dirty.

So, I’ve got fifty hot dogs here. Well, twenty of them are smokies. And another ten are bratwurst. But, using the vernacular lexicon, we can call that fifty hot dogs.

That leaves me with a margin of error of forty-eight buns if I buy ninety-eight of them. That seems about right.

Here’s how I figure it: twenty-five for accidents such as droppage, fire, or sogginess due to possible inclement weather; twenty for vegetarians who will have to subsist on the bun alone; and three for my cousin Manhuel to use as deodorant.

Yeah, pick me up ninety-eight hot dog buns.  Thanks.