1.) A little-known amendment from the Bill of Rights regarding the legality of tomfoolery: Congress shall make no law causing twenty-nine Asian elephants to be imported into these States United for the purposes of buffoonery nor costumery; nor shall any law require Mr. Thos. Buckston of Beer Lane, Boston, Massachussets, to insert ninety-seven quills into his forearms and parade about the town square declaring himself to be the finest turkey in all of these States United; nor shall any law be made outlawing skylarking shenanigans, antics, nonsense, clowning, fandango, or mischief by young scoundrels enjoying a mid-summer’s eve on the common. Monkey business, however, is strictly forbidden in these States United.
2.) A little-known right regarding the legality of prohibiting the way one wears a hat: Congress shall pass no law which infringes on the manner which a resident of these United States deems appropriate to don head wear, foppish or otherwise, irregardless of millinery experience. No, no, we cannot take that away from said individual. Additionally, should an individual choose to sip his tea or hold a knife in a fashion not considered traditional or standard, the Executive Branch shall take no action to proscribe such activity from taking place. No, no, we cannot take that away from him or her. And while custom may oblige one to frown upon dancing until three, singing off key, and having a smile that beams, it is an unalienable right for citizens of a free country to engage in such activity. Pursuant to the rulings in The State vs. Gershwin, the haunting of dreams remains an offense punishable by ten years incarceration.
3.) A little-known directive on those qualified for government: Neither Congress nor the Executive nor the Judiciary shall be in the hands of eggheads, elitists, latte-sipping commies, old-Europe-style socialists, wine-swilling France lovers, arugula-chomping professor types, cheese-plate-serving lefties, or tax-and-spend military-hating pacifist hangers-on. Thou must needs love these States United or, perforce, leave them.
4.) A little-known protection regarding the freedom to poo-poo: Should something strike a legal resident of these United States as untoward or unsavoury, that individual shall not be ordered by any branch of government to refrain from turning their nose at it. Providing the notion is suitably undesirable, a reasonable amount of poo-pooing will be allowed without a permit.
5.) A little-known right regarding filling your water bed with pudding: Filling your water bed with pudding is a really, really great idea. Jefferson tried it first, and he wouldn’t shut up about it, so the rest of us ended up giving it a shot, and it’s just so comfortable. We really can’t recommend this highly enough. Seriously, you won’t regret it. LIBERTY!!!
