By Melvyn Creelmaster
The editors are pleased to welcome Melvyn Creelmaster to the ITMS team. Melvyn is North America’s foremost expert on taking a variety of activities to the next level. Watch for his regular contributions as he responds to reader questions on how to take it to the next level.
Dear Melvyn: Showering.
- Chet Plowe of Crumpton, Maryland
Dear Chet Plowe of Crumpton, Maryland: When you’re talking showers, you’ve GOT to be talking Taking It To The Next Level. There’s no way to get around it, my man. If you come into it on Level A, you’ve got to be focussed on pumping it up to Level B. If you’re thinking you’re Down Here, you’ve got to be looking Up There. Jump into that stall, crank that tap like you mean it, and clean your damn self up. I’ll be waiting for you at The Next Level. But in my own shower — no gay stuff. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, as long as they Take It To The Next Level. Gay all the way, man, that’s where it’s at.
Dear Melvyn: Hedge-trimming.
- Bertha Twayne of Georgeville, Quebec
Dear Bertha Twayne of Georgeville, Quebec: This is a no-brainer. If you’re talking about hedges, The Next Level is intrinsic and innate. Your hedges aren’t going to be coming down to your level — those hedges ain’t no animals, they be plants! Now get yourself to The Next Level with those hedges, and go postal on those cholorophyll-filled bastards.
Dear Melvyn: Cod Fishing.
- Torly Muddletart of Branson, Missouri
Dear Torly Muddletart of Branson, Missouri: Give me a break and cut me some slack. COD FISHING? I can hardly understand how you would even need to ask about whether you need to Take It To the Next Level with cod fishing. Look, let me put it this way: are your cod nets made of hemp, or are they made of cotton? Exactly. It’s the same deal. Now get out there and Take your cod fishing To The Next Level.
Next time in The Next Level: Elevators
