Barbershop quartet The Frequent Ritards performed their rendition of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” Monday at a local seniors’ home, butchering both the song’s driving melody and subtle lyrical playfulness with their overly-hammy harmonies and goofy pantomimes.
“Vain, vain, bah-doobity, vain, vain, bah-doobity-dah,” began bass Kurt Batasky in the latest of his locally-famous foghorn-deep introductory scats.
“Ooooooooooooooooh,” chimed in lead Martin Bellsman, tenor Francisco Tartolera, and baritone Tyler Proctosse, creating a notably bright major chord over Batasky’s scatting which would horrify songstress Simon.
Local putzes "The Frequent Ritards"
Forgoing the pumping yet ice-cool rhythms of the original recording, the Ritards swung through the opening verse with loosey-goosey randomness, slowing and speeding the tempo apparently at random so as to unnecessarily show off their needlessly-complex harmonizing on the long notes, grinning from ear to ear like mentally challenged children during the entire performance. Reaching the lead-in to the song’s first chorus, in which the lyrics note that all the girls at a party dream that they will be the protagonist’s partner, the four doofuses pointed at themselves in exaggerated fashion, prompting slight giggles from the two senior citizens who were able to remain awake until that point in the song.
Swinging into the song’s famous chorus with more gratuitous scatting, the idiots then “comically” reversed course, making a great show of pointing at one another and doffing their hats as they sang “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.”
When reached for comment, Mick Jagger, whose crisp backing vocals were responsible for much of the panache of the original recording, commented, “This is the reason I’m still in this business. If I leave, it’s one more opening for clods like this.”
